Looking for the way

I'm really glad to see some people are still reading the site. I haven't had a chance lately to study the access logs so I wasn't sure. A couple people have commented on my recent attack of chronic un-satisfaction-itis. It seems people think I am looking for the dream job where everything is peachy and I enjoy every day. Luckily for me, I'm not that stupid.

I know that no job is something that I will want to do all the time, and that there are crappy aspects about any job. This is not a problem. In fact, truth be told, I love the job I have now... when it comes to the everyday work. I have a lot of fun programming. I have a lot of fun solving little (or big) problems as they pop up on the server. It is challenging and gives me a nice "I did work" headache. I have no problem with my job (as far as daily work goes) as it is now.

The problem, is that I am feeling antsy and want to move ahead. What I hate is that I don't feel as though I have moved ahead in the past year. I have learned a lot, but can't seem to find the opportunity to use what I learn at work, so I have to do it all in my play time. Then I feel like an idiot for spending my work time to stand still, and my play time to advance in a career that I am not even sure I want to advance in.

I want to move forward, but I don't know what direction. Why else would I entertain thoughts about quitting my job, where I have the power to tell other people to do things I don't want to do (assuming they know how) to start doing exactly the same job, (three times the work load) by myself with a chance of less money? The only reason I can think of is that I want to move forward, and at least if I am doing it myself I feel as though I have moved, as opposed to staying where I am now.

It makes me crazy, wanting to move forward, but don't know where to move to. I really started to realize this when I started thinking seriously about grad school. Going to grad school is a quick-fix way to make me feel like I am moving forward, and no doubt I would be moving forward. Grad school however is a major investment of time and money... shouldn't I be sure that I really want to do it before I go? I don't know the answer to this... if anyone does let me know. Maybe grad school is something I should try even if I simply "enjoy" the subject, but don't really feel that there is tremendous value in dedicating myself to it.

Moving to Fujino? In some ways I think that has to do with wanting a change, but a great deal of it is that the major lesson i have learned from Tokyo, is that I don't want to live here (or any other big city I think). Having come across this 1/3 life crisis, thinking about what I really want to move forward in, as opposed to previously doing whatever was a good opportunity and interesting (which turned out well) I also find myself thinking "If in the end I don't want to live in Tokyo, why should I do it now?". Is there any real reason to punish myself for sake of saying "I punished myself". Why not do what I want to do now... if I had to move back to the city to survive... nothing lost.

Maybe I'm just selfish... It does sound a little selfish wanting to have a life I enjoy as much as possible, while most people I see seem to miserable. Maybe I'm just crazy to think that I deserve it... after all, I can't think of any logical reason that I deserve it above anyone else...