Reflections on change

I wonder if it seems a little odd or even indecisive that I have, within the last few months, been talking about such things as 1) grad school to be a librarian (Information Science- Actually they do basically what I am doing at my job now) 2)Moving to the country, 3) Some other things. I think it is a little odd myself. I mean, am I really serious about any of them? I think I am serious about all of them, and yet, none of them is THE ONE. The one thing that they all have in common is that they are all change.

Two years doesn't seem so long when you say it "Two years", but seeing as how there has been zero change in where my life is headed in the last two years, it sure seems like a long time to me. Over the past few years I have thought about what I want to study in grad-school, and several options have come up... ranging from what I really want to study, but dismiss as crazy dreamy ideas (something art related), to things that are actually very lucrative and I enjoy tinkering with, but don't really want to go full-on 100% into (computer science / programming), to things that sound glamorous and I am are interesting enough to stimulate me, but I have begun to feel have little importance to me (marketing), to extensions of what I am good at now, and enjoy doing, but again probably don't really want to make a career out of it (Information Science).

I can't decide, but have settled on Information Science for several reasons, 1) I enjoy doing the work to some extent, 2) It is an extremely new field that will grow in importance, 3) I'm good at it.

Probably the biggest reason though for my settling on this, is it is what I was thinking about when the ever present urge for some kind of change grew too overwhelming, and I knew I had to change something NOW. I can't stay here in the same apartment, in the same job, in the same position (no room to move up in a company as small as mine since the only one above me now is the president).

After two years of no change, I grew to hate my job, hate my apartment, hate my whole situation. Although I have been learning all along, and can see a huge change in personality and personal philosophy (if I have such a thing) it is somehow not enough.

So why don't I just make a change? I am not really afraid, though I have doubts sometime, logically, I know that anything I (would) choose to do I a can do. I could quit my job tomorrow with no worries. I can move to the mountains with no adverse effect. So why is it such a big dilemma about if I should or not? It is part of the reason I feel such an urge to drop everything and change... I am a victim of comfort. (and I hate it). Why not move to the mountains? I really hate Tokyo, and hate the fact that someday I would like to live in a place like Fujino, but for some reason don't try it now. What stops me is feeling so comfortable with the routine of where I am now. My life is full of so many things that have so little importance, but for some reason I attach importance onto them... I love my apartment, it faces a nice river in a quiet neighborhood. I really wish it was a lot bigger, but it is not too bad for the three of us (Guri, Awii, and me). As much as I like it though, and realize that it is actually a great apartment for inside Tokyo, it is not really important... I have always been someone who can live anywhere, one of my strengths being my great ability to adapt. Why then do I put so much importance on it when faced with making a change? It's just stupid routine.

I like my neighbor hood, it is clean and small and has nice shops. Of these nice shops though, how many do I frequent? 1) the liqueur store, 2) The video store, 3) The grocery store. 4) The 7 eleven. All of them are actually places that do me more harm than good. I never stop at any of the nice looking rester aunts, because they are so dang expensive. Sometimes I go to the 100 Yen shop in Hamadayama, but usually get things I can do without. Why do I put so much importance on them... why am I afraid that if I moved I would somehow miss them? Why do I confuse comfort and routine with necessity?

One thing that makes me hesitant to move to my dream apartment (I am too young and poor for my dream house) is that I would be 1.3 hours away from Tomoe as opposed to .5 hours now. So what? She hd been gone for a year until two months ago. As it is now, I only see her on the weekends anyway, and 1.3 hours is nothing as far as train riding goes. In fact, I would probably see her more if I went to the hash or someplace else in the city and missed my train home. Another good reason not to worry about moving out to the mountains, is that I still have a place to stay in the city if I needed it.. in effect, we could even thing of it as our mountain house, and her apartment as our city house. That sounds richer than I am.

What about grad school? I am still taking the GRE and applying. If I move and then go to grad school I will have "wasted" about 500-1000 dollars in moving fees for only a 10 month stay, but I must say that I am having doubts about the whole grad school thing anyway. Not that I don't want to go... I would love it and love studying about a field I am interested in, but I can't really say it is what I WANT to do. In fact, I had been looking at the jobs I could get afterword in terms of my job now... of course they would be better, more opportunity for advancement and growth, more to learn and more people I could learn from, but if I didn't enter my job now into the equation, would I still want those jobs as much? I don't think so. How can i go to grad school without knowing what I really want to study? I know that studying anything will build value and benefit me, but to settle for something just because it is anything is not me. I deserve to do what I really want to.

Why can't it be clear like it is to people in magazines who know from the time they are 9 what they want to devote their lives too? Oh well, I guess I will have to devote my life to jumping around and changing, all the while of course I will be learning and growing in some way... hopefully closer to finding out.