Clarification

I didn't realize people were really reading my site. Jim responded to my post yesterday however, and I started to feel self conscious about the fact that what I write is not always well articulated and thought-out (actually what I am writing about is very well thought out, but when it comes to writing it all in ten minutes I fall short). I think I have a pretty good excuse, in that I just don't have time to nit pick about everything I write, but I suddenly feel an urge to clarify.

To write everything I am thinking, I would probably crash your browser, so I will clarify based on Jim's comment.

What exactly do you want to gain from being an artist?

What I want to gain from doing something that I think I will enjoy more than my current job (or anything else I can think of) such as being an illustrator, art teacher, graphic designer, or some other art related field, is not coming home at night feeling as though I have just wasted a day because what I did all day didn't gain me anything. From doing a job that has no distiguishable value to me.

How is that different than my job now?

1) The job I am doing now has no distiguishable value for me. The only value for me I can see from doing my current job is that I can get better at it and become more of an expert, which will make me more valuable in the future. This true of any job. But the deeper I get into that, the more I have to rely on that expertise. Other than that there is little value to me.

Yes the Internet does have value to me, but I can live without it. In my job however, I am making web sites that I would never look at if I didn't make the site. I don't care about what they are selling. I'm not buying. I would never optin for any of the mailouts I send. I would never register for any of the campaign sites I create. I sit in meetings and think "Who cares?!!?". I see lots of the value for the client, but that doesn't translate into value for me (getting paid doesn't count, because I can get paid at other careers too).

I was once fascinated by the psychology of manipulating people to buy things they don't need (marketing). I now see how ironic that is since i am a marketers worst nightmare. I look at ads and think bullpoop!. I don't believe it and I don't want to hear it. I wont buy it. It is because of this that I have ruled out marketing from my list of career choices, although I still find it fascinating. I would much rather teach other people how not to be fooled.

All of this I learned when a few months ago, disatisfied with my job, I was getting ready to apply to grad-school for Information Architecture. It dawned on me then that if I am going to devote a lot of money and time to get good at something, it had better be something I really want to get good at for more than just the sake of being good.

2) A job doing something art-related can have value to me (even if it was an illustration for a product I would never buy) because I feel immense pleasure and challenge from drawing, and now from painting. In contrast, I feel only interest when programming. I don't hate it, but not hating something is not a reason to devote your life to something.

It seems that you're already drawing and painting *a lot*.

Yes I am, but not enough to satisfy me. I want to paint more and more. I can't believe how wonderful it feels. Even when I feel too tired, and start only because I feel like I have to to get better, as soon as I pick up the brush or the pencil, I can't put it down until I force myself to go to bed at 3 am so I can get up for work.

Even doing it *a lot* is not enough to progress at the rate I expect to progress at. That is why I feel the need for art schooling. Although I can learn it alone, as I did programming and web-stuff, I think I can learn it much faster with help, as I could have programming and web-stuff if I had someone with experience around me when I was learning. I find that the one thing I am envious about Tomoe with her new job at GE, is that she gets to take one of the (supposedly) best training programs in the world.

Do you want to become rich and famous, or just be better at it? I mean, 'better' is such a subjective thing, anyway.

I wouldn't mind being rich of course, but it is not a goal. I don't want to be famous, but I want to be known as a professional. And yes I want to get better at it. I want to be good enough that I can make enough to live and be someone that a client would come back to for repeat business. I also want to get better in that I am always learning something I didn't know before. This is the same as my goal in web-related work. And so far in the web work I am fulfilling all of them.

Your work that I've seen on this site is honest and interesting. There's no affectation or pompousness.

Thank you.

I'd say, just keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about it.

I agree, but doing what I am doing now includes worrying about it, which causes me to strive to move forward, and get better, and gives me incentive to do things that may be scary, such as leave a paying job for an uncertain future if I should so decide.

If it's technique that you're after, go study that.

I do. And that's what I want to go to school to study if possible. I'm just frustrated because it takes so long.

If you're looking to put direction and meaning into your life, I'd say go study Accounting or Law or something more mundane. Those things are way more quantifiable in terms of your being a success.

This would be no different than the programming. Both of them are interesting, great brain candy, and would pose a challenge, but I have no personal interest in them.

As for success, that is such as subjective term. I don't see anyway to achive success in those fields, just as I see no way to achive success in my current job. It took me a while to realize that I have been mistaking other people's idea of success for my own idea of success. I now realize that my current idea of success will be to have a job that I don't regret every day, and a family that I can spend time with, and the freedom to live in an environment I do not despise. This idea of success most likely rules out high salary, as I do not want to work the hours I work now, and I do not want to work and live and raise a family in a dirty city.

Maybe it's all my dad's fault for setting a bad example and having a job that allowed him to have the summers off and go on month long vacations with the family. I guess I can blame all my troubles on my parents.

For now, write, paint, draw, discover, look, remember, consider, think... Art in any form is basically about letting people come to know your own peculiar perspective on the world by what you put in front of them somehow.

Thank you, I will. And I will continue to worry and be stressed out about it, until I find the courage to free myself.