Doubts Resurface

I had made up my mind to let my boss know tomorrow that I am leaving. Then I chicken out again. The thing that scares me this time is not the idea of quitting when unemployment is so high... it's not doubt over whether or not I can get into a grad-school next year, it's not if the boss-man will be so peeved at me that he refuses to give any recommendations... I've overcome all those fears.

No, what scares me this time is the thought of giving up all my stuff. I was sitting in my massage chair a bit tonight, and although I rarely use it, I am afraid that I will never be able to find another massage chair that cheaply.

This afternoon, Klee was sitting in the window facing the river. On five separate occasions people walking by on their Sunday stroll stopped to watch her and commented. I'm afraid that if I give up this apartment, I will never find another apartment so great for so cheap.

It wasn't hot today, but it still felt great to take a nap with a cool breeze blowing in through the window, and spending nights sleeping snuggly in front of the electric fan. It's a simple, wonderful experience, and I know there are only a few (forty or so) more summers left in my life. I'm afraid that I will miss out on valuable lazy days if I am sleeping in a hot tent on the side of the road.

Tomoe and I had some great Thai curry, made with all the fish products which have been piling up in my freezer over the years. It was great fun to make it, and great fun to eat it, together with the birds, on the wobbly table I made three years ago. I'm afraid to get rid of the table because it is a "memory". I'm afraid that the birds will die as I am riding my bike through Hokkaido, and I'll never again have the chance to enjoy such a time.

Why is all that stuff so important to me that I actually consider throwing my life away just to keep it all. Why do things seem so valuable, that I consider it better to stay where I am with what I have than to move forward and see what I may be able to get?

I thought I was all over my fears, but it looks like I have a few left... They always seem to creep up on the weekends, when I am far away from that office, and when I have time to do what is important for me. I'm sure that by Tuesday morning, all the fears will have once again been washed away by the feeling that I am wasting away, spending most of my hours doing something that has almost no importance to me.

I'm curious to see what effect an upcoming five-day bike trip in Nagano with Tomoe will have. I'm expecting that it will wash away all doubts, and I will love the idea of biking Japan again.