To many dang choices
Just as I am getting used to love my new lifestyle, I get accepted to one of the grad-schools in Sweden which I have applied for.
I am waiting for a reply from a second school, which is actually my first choice, studying a subject more in-line with what I want to do (environmental sustainability related), rather than this school, which is more in-line with what I am doing now (more tech related).
If I get accepted by the first choice, there is really no question, since I am convinced that I want to go to move my career more into an environmental direction, rather than follow a pure technology course, which is interesting, but that interest may be waning.
As I have been writing recently, life is going well for me now, I enjoy where I am, I am making some lifestyle changes that are more comfortable for me than the situations that drove me crazy and led me to apply to the school more as an escape than a real goal.
I was half-hoping that I get rejected by both of them so I wouldn't have to choose, but having found out last night that I am accepted, I have some contemplating to do. Though it is fairly obvious to me already what the answer will be, I still have to go through the steps to rationalize it. Although, it's strange. Usually when making a choice like this, I feel afraid for "logical" reasons, but my gut-feeling is always totally one-sided, telling me the right decision. This time, my gut seems to be divided also.
Pros:- Get to go to Sweden for six months An old dream, in high-school / early university years was to study in Sweden. I'm not sure, but I think it may have had something to do with my junior-year girlfriend in high-school who was from Sweden. I spent a good deal of my free time studying Swedish, and soon came to love studying foreign languages, which is actually why I am in Japan now.
- Get to go to some other European country for six months Depending on what I decide on for the thesis topic, I have the option to study in one of many European universities for the second half of the program. A chance like that doesn't come around often I suppose.
- Having a Master's Degree is better than not having one Although the school is not exactly Harvard, having a degree is better than not having one.
- Meet new people, make new connections This will give me a chance to get out of my Japan box, meet some other interesting people.
- Tuition is free God bless socialism.
- Gives me a goal I have been floating around seemingly goal-less for a while here it seems... well, actually, too goal-full. Going to school would force me to focus on one thing for a while at least.
- I like my life right now See my previous posts. I like this lifestyle. I work for myself, I own my time... I received a request to do some professional photography work the other day!... I have finding more time to spend on myself... this is a great life.
- I like my life right now Tomoe and I are both enjoying seeing each other more now, not having to talk on the phone every night.
- I like my life right now Waking up early to walk the birds...
- I don't really see myself as an academic. Although the topics are interesting for sure, in the past I have generally always done better with self-study. Should I treat this as self study as well? If I am really so interested in learning this stuff, why not just take on less work and spend more time studying on my own?
- I don't see any job path (for the second choice) I don't see how I will be better off should I ever feel I need to get a "real" job. Since it's not really teaching a skill, I am not sure what it will do for me in regards to being self-employed either.
- I'll loose my three year visa Right now I have three years of freedom before I have to find another sponsor for my visa. If I leave now, when I get back I'll either have to get a "real" job, or marry Tomoe.
- I'll loose momentum I'll loose any momentum I have now in regards to finding my own clients. Not only that, but even though the school if free, living expenses will slowly drain my rainy-day funds the ones I was going to use to ride my bike around the world if worst came to worst and I hit a dry spell in terms of finding jobs.
- I'm too old I would have never thought so, but looking at my sister's life in her University in Sweden (yes, I stole the idea from her) all the people around her do is go out to clubs and party. I guess I can't say I'm too old for it, but I can say I don't enjoy it. If I go to this school will I be surrounded by teenagers out to get trashed every night?
- I don't really have that much momentum anyway I'm sure it's nothing that can't be made-up for with the new people I meet there, and the new experiences I gain.
- Tomoe may not even be in Tokyo after Sept Tomoe's last six-month rotation at work may take her out of Tokyo. The ideal lifestyle would be destroyed anyway, and I would have nothing to show for it.
- It's only a year It's pretty hard to make a wrong decision either way... I mean, it's only a year, not enough to have a long-term negative impact.
- It wont leave me broke Even if I use up the rainy-day fund, I wont be broke, which is one of the reason I didn't apply for the schools in the US that I was thinking about... I'm not sure that those schools would have been worth the money. But with free tuition... if I don't spend my money to do things like this, what good is it? (of course, we may find a nice house on the side of a mountain, facing the ocean on our bike trip to the Shikoku country-side next week)
So you see, my life has too many problems and things to worry about... should I stay or should I go? It seems foolish not to go simply because I am comfortable now. In a year or so I will be just as fed-up with not moving as I was a couple months ago when I applied.
Comments
To me, change is almost always a positive force, forcing you to do things differently, live differently, think differently, learn, grow, etc. Change is even better when you are the one deciding upon the changes (rather when they are forced upon you.)
I won't opine on the specifics of your situation except to say that I think change is positive and that too much time being comfortable can be stultifying.
Also, consider the opportunity costs of school. That time could be very valuable if you used it wisely in another way. That's the main challenge for grad school- justifing the time away from "life."
Good luck in your decisions. I am facing some interesting choices of my own in the next few months, so I appreciate your thought processes here.
Posted by: Gen Kanai | April 20, 2004 04:50 PM
i agree with gen. change is always a positive force even though at the time things may be difficult.
and you know the old saying.... THINKING about doing something is always harder than just DOING it.
i would say to go with your gut instincts but if you're anything like me the ol' gut instinct changes its opinion every 12 hours.... i'm sure writing this list on yr blog helped weigh the scales a little though.
gambatte, ne.
Posted by: martine | April 20, 2004 05:46 PM
When I was a kid I went fishing with my dad and a friend. After a few hours they had caught lots of fish, and I had none. I spent the whole time wandering around the lake looking for a better spot, while they stayed put and fished.
I think about this sometimes. I'm prone to wander or make a major change every two years or so. It's fun and I learn a little about a lot of things. But I think I personally want to make a major investment in one important thing while I can still reasonably say I'm young.
I don't know if this will make any sense in your case or not, but there it is.
By the way, I think it may have been you who asked about the river running near my house (as a comment on my blog). I've posted some more photos plus the name of the river, and I'll put in a couple broader view shots later this week.
It's nice to live next to water. Maybe, for a wanderer at heart, the constant motion of the river flowing by is good for the spirit.
Posted by: Andy | April 20, 2004 05:54 PM
Ok,well, I'll throw my two cents worth of experience in here. Maybe it will complicate your decision, maybe it will make it easier-but i think i'd be good to know while making the decision.
First of all, you said you don't consider yourself an academic and have always done better with self-study...I can't speak for the programs to which you've applied but let me tell you, in my case (and the same with most of the people I talk to here), we may as well be self-studying. I have classes for 4 hours per week. Because it is an internation course and there are varying levels of English, we don't have nearly as much reading or as many papers as I had as an undergrad. For me, I have enough time to do all the work for the course well and then I'm also taking a Japanese course full-time, Swedish courses, and still have plenty of time left over. I have heard that the Swedish system not set up to force students to sit in classrooms listening to lecturers but rather for them to do the work outside of class. So, my point is, even if you join the program, if it is anything like what i've experienced, you will still have pleanty of time to self-study...and some supplimentary lectures and guidance. And a Master's Degree at the end.
Secondly, too old. I must admit, looking over my web site, i don't know what gave you the impression that everyone here goes out to clubs and parties everyday but i hope you weren't refering to me cause i hardly think that going to a quiet pub once or wtice a month is too much. Actually, you may feel old here. I do. It IS true that everyone goes out to the bars and clubs three or four times per week but that doesn't mean you have to. I'm sure there are people like that in Tokyo as well. I think that if I lived in an apartment I wouldn't feel so old but everyone hereiin my corridor is an undergrad and look at me with pity when i tell them i'm not going to the BIG PARTY in town or, frankly, i don't care what theme they choose for the next corridor party.
Third, about the 'rainy day fund,' I'm sure you have a much bigger fund than i did when i came here but let me tell you that it will disappear quicker than you think.
Finally, should you stay or should you go. Naturally it would be nice to stay where you are with Tomoe and be comfortable. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in Fukuoka one more year and come here with Jin...but then i remember that, although there were good points such as being able to spend time with him and going to pottery (and having money), i complained about my life and my job more than not and one more year would have made me a very bitter, angry person. Let's say you pass up this chance and a week later something happens (or like you say, Tomoe leaves Tokyo)...wouldn't you regret it then? And always wonder 'what if...?'
Ok, that's all i have to say about that. Which city is this program you were accepted to?
Posted by: Kelly | April 20, 2004 08:30 PM
Wow, your post is so weird because I'm in a very similar situation as you. But without going into that, I agree with what has been said: change is always great. One of the reasons I left the US, even though I had lots of friends and was very comfortable there, was because I wanted a change. Do you remember when you first came to Japan? How exciting and scary it probably was (well at least it was for me)? Or maybe how hard it was to leave what you were used to? The same is true for this decision that you have to make. Change is always scary because you are going into the unkown. There are so many situations that could or could not happen and there is no way for you to know what would be the best path.
But are you glad that you came to Japan? It seems that you are, so that was a good change, and who knows what the chance to live in Sweden could do for you. These kinds of experiences don't come around every day and the older you get the farther away the chances to do something like this will get.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best!
Posted by: Jonah | April 20, 2004 10:55 PM
At first, sorry about my english..
But You will understand somehow I suppose ...
I eneter Your blog evey day to watch new photos of Yours, new photos from Japan.
I would like to live in Japan like You, but for me it is hard to find the way to go and stay longer than 2 weeks. Of course I can go as exotic dancer but this particular cereer is rather not for me..haha.. I am art historian so..
I spent some time in Sweden. Nice place, very natural way of living. But You know this.
You will decide as You wish, but I would not leave Japan...if I there.
anyway...thanks for grat photos I enjoy every day
Posted by: klaudia | April 21, 2004 08:39 AM