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I have been reading over some of my older posts, from years ago, and I find them so much more entertaining that the crap I write now. The photos were also better and much more interesting.

What the hell happened to me? Why have I become such a looser?

From now on I am making a new year's resolution (it was just the Iranian new year a couple weeks ago) that I will no longer be boring, or fill the site with crappy photos.

Of course, you have to wait a bit for the good photos until I work my way through the crappy to average photo back-log. But from now on, I will only take excellent photos.

But the writing! That is something I can take care of now! From now on, only interesting stuff.

Stuff like:

last night So, here I am, sucking on salty, sugar-free pastilles, watching Alias, wondering how realistic it is. Can a CIA agent really get a graduate degree, learn karate and all the rest of the spy crap she knows in just two years and still have time for a more active private life than I do? Why am I such a looser? I can't even seem to find time to clean my apartment.

today Now I'm in a cafe downtown. I have to come here to study and write because there is no internet connection. I am still trying to force myself to write about "leadership" for a little book project I am working on with Laura, Jennifer, and Mandy. The problem is not writers block. In fact, far from it, I have written thousands of words about it in the past few weeks. The problem is pulling them all together into a coherent form. I blame blogging for this cohesion block.

Over the past few years my writing has grown ever more into a stream-of-consciousness style. There is no single topic, no thesis statement to prove. Instead, I find myself simply writing random thoughts and trying to connect them to a vague theme.

But maybe it is not so accurate to blame blogging. Perhaps this stream-of-consciousness style is this a natural result of an ever increasing complexity of our lives? Or rather, an increasing awareness of that complexity? I have been finding that with the leadership topic, there is no one strong belief which can be backed up by argument. Whenever I try, I always end up proving my argument wrong, leading to an essay that is about as coherent as if I were to say "leadership is this, except when it is that, or the other thing, and in all of those cases you have to take these into account, which means that it is not even really all of those."

Maybe another contributer to my cohesion block is my preconceived notion of how an essay for publication is supposed to look. While stream-of-consciousness in a blog written for myself is fine, an essay written with the intent to publish should follow some kind of rules right? Spell-checking, grammar, all that crap. I find myself thinking much more about what the reader may think, rather than how it helps me to think.

We all know that someone who does not subscribe to a close-minded, one-track, "this is the absolute truth - regardless of the circumstance" view is quickly labeled a flip-flopper, a wish-wash, weak, and indecisive. What a sad world we live in when people are made to feel guilty or inadequate for thinking about a topic from all angles, reserving judgment until it is well understood, and refusing to make over-arching assertions independent of context.

Then again, maybe the biggest reason I am unable to finish my leadership essay is that I am waiting for someone to force me to. Maybe I am just a run-of-the-mill follower looking for a traditional leader to take charge of my life for me.

Just out of curiosity... can anyone see a specific point or topic in this entry? If not, does that bother anyone?


Just so you know, Sidney Bristow (lead character in Alias) was part of the CIA for 7 years when the show started. (It's in the opening credits.) So she had a lot longer to learn all that fancy stuff than the 2 years you claim. That said, she's still a good 6 years younger than you, so you better catch up quick.

--Your ALIAS supplier.

I for one rather like your stream of consciousness style. It's natural. Easy to read. And amusing. That's no easy task.

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