Insecurity

So I didn't sleep well last night. Every so often I get restless, filled with anxiety about one thing or another. I mean come-on, you would too if you were 31 and have never written a famous book, started a company (and sold it for millions), or even found what you want to do with your life.

I have been studying a lot lately. Various topics, filling in the gaps left over from my very quick and "inter-disciplinary" (that's a euphemism for "not very detailed") one year masters program. But since I became a "master of strategic leadership toward sustainability", I have successfully led myself, or anyone else,... nowhere.

I'm also studying things that are not directly related to the new direction I chose just over two years ago. Not directly related because it is the basic foundation that everyone is already expected to know -and have known since they were in high-school. I mean, I'm reading a college Biology 101 textbook and finding it fascinating -it's changing the way I look at things, but I realize that if I had just payed attention when I was supposed to, if I would have been smart enough to see how it is relevant... or if I would have diversified a bit more when I was in University instead of taking so many of those courses related to my major, I would have been looking at things differently long ago.

I'm following a new interest, spending time helping at some local farms, trying to tell myself that by learning what I am learning I am somehow helping my future... then I open the newspaper to see a group of kindergartners helping out at a farm too. So I guess I am just catching up to them. And it's not even like I spend a lot of time there. I want to, because that is what I am "into" now, but the more time I spend reading about agriculture, organics, farming, etc... the more anxiety I feel that it is doing nothing for my future. After all, I'm not planning to be a farmer, and even if I was to get a job somehow related to agriculture, I would need many more years experience than just a summer picking pumpkins and planting peas.

I spend some time writing in this blog, trying to justify my "going nowhere self-study" by pretending that I am perhaps influencing other people in some way. Yet, at the same time, I look at so many web-sites that are much more popular, filled with articles by writers who are much better than me, and I think to myself... why don't they stop writing about it and do something about it. And then I sit down and write some more.

I have some big ideas, too many in fact. Ironically, while I have too many ideas, I have too few actual "plans". And none of the ideas move forward. Many of them simply live in my own mind, some of them I have made known to others, and some of them I have even asked others to help with... And none of them are moving. I wonder how many open responsibilities I have hanging over my head now.

I just watched the movie Envy the other night, which probably has done a great deal to cause my sleepless night. In it, Jack Black is told, in his regular performance review, that he lacks focus. I immediatly perked up... it's me! But then he got an idea and ran with it, making it happen... the birth of Vapoorize. "Oh wait, it ain't me", I thought. Apparently I lack even more focus than he did... at least he had enough focus to make his idea into a billion dollar sensation.

Maybe the anxiety is because I will be starting a new job next week, which I am really excited about, and humbly consider myself perfect for, but upset about the fact that I am relying on someone else's company (NPO actually)... that I couldn't "do it myself" -because I lack the focus.

Or maybe the cause of this anxiety lies in this blog.

I don't open everything I am feeling and thinking, but I do my best. I often write ideas and viewpoints that I myself don't necessarily agree with, knowing that I don't have all the facts, that they sound a bit crazy and un-informed (forget about the spelling and grammar), but I try not to edit my post topics because I find that I am most self-critical about the ideas I make "open" on the blog. After my little marketing trick last week, I realize that I have quite a few more readers (people who do more than just look at the photos) than I thought. That means there are quite a few more people out there forming opinions about me based on my ramblings that, if I didn't know better, would make me call myself and idiot.

I also write about some ideas or projects I have planned would like to make happen... of course I never finish them, and what does that say about me?

Would just not posting anything up here solve my anxiety problems? Would it help me sleep better at night knowing that at least no one else knows what an ill-informed, non-self-starter I am? Or, is there a way to banish these foolish anxieties without giving up the blog?

And that was "Insecure Kevin". It would not be fare to refuse "Secure Kevin" his chance to respond.

He'll have his day... but he is needed elsewhere at the moment (he is much more active than "insecure Kevin"). Perhaps you will hear from him soon.