Fork in the road

*The following is an un-edited (excpet for spell chekcing) stream of thought post*

What should I do with my life?

It's what I have been asking myself since (at least) way back in *********.

The quest to figure it out led me to quit my job as a web-geek in order to go back to school to learn about saving the world. In actuality, I was never able to quit that job. While the act of saying "I quit" caused me stress, quitting itself was a non-event. I continued to work for the same company on a contract basis for the months before I went to school, and then while I was at school. And wouldn't you know it, I am still doing odd jobs for them today.

At my new job I have learned something important.

I have learned that just because I feel strongly about the whole "not frickin up the world" bit, that doesn't mean that I will be happy doing *any* job in the "don't frick up the world" industry. That is to say, sitting in an office, in front of a computer and making power-point presentations about how I wish the world was so that I could live the life that I *really* want to live. Although the actual project I am working on is interesting, and related to something I had spent a lot of time dreaming about, it ties me to a life that falls short of what I believe is possible. (of course the problem is no focus - too many things I want to do, but that aren't compatible with each other)

So I have realized that I have to find a good combination of the things I am interested in doing on a personal level (such as creating web crap, photography, bike riding, design/art) in combination with things I am interested in doing on a more societal-betterness level - I can't just choose one or the other and be happy with it.

This has, in fact, been the topic of some thought for me in the past. I even went so far to imagine how I might be able to find a way to have others help me to put my own personal interests to good use to further my social interests. Of course, I haven't had the administrative skills to pull that little project off yet, but now that I realize there are not many places for me in the real world, it's pretty good motivation to focus on the admin stuff enough to make my own place in this world, or to make the world more like the fantasy world in my head.

. . .

I was sleepless last night because I was worried about an upcoming decision of wether or not to stay at my current job, where I have security and can maybe help people not-screw-up the world as I do *some* work I like. But as much as interesting as it is, every minute I spend on that is another minute I can't spend on something else. I will be sacrificing my own desires to some extent to do it, or I can take a big scary leap and try (again) to get myself motivated to do something that requires a bit of administrative skills and networking skills- two skills I don't have.

I know there is something big out there... I know it and feel it... it is sooo close.

and yet.. .

How can I grab it?

How much am I willing to risk to really make the effort?

When I got back from Sweden I spent a few months unemployed. I had some of the same ideas then, but they were always thought of as "side projects" as I look for a job that pays. Well, now I have a job that pays and the side projects, the projects that I felt most interested in, are all but forgotten.

How much is trying to achieve a dream worth? How much is the peace of mind of having given it a real go worth?

Is it worth $15,000 or $20,000 plus lost income? What if I was out of work and agreed to myself, up-front, that I am going to spend the next year without worrying about the money going out and the lack of money coming in?

How much is it worth to try to figure out what I really want to do with my life? The scared Kevin says "No! you could use up all your savings and still not know what the hell to do with your life!". The drunk Kevin says "Even if it takes you two or three years and you end up using *all* of your savings, but you find what you *really* want to do with your life, it will be worth it."

I have to say that I tend to agree with the drunk Kevin.

I mean, it took me how many years to save what I have now? (about five). If I worry about loosing that, I may spend the rest of my life in misery. Think about it.... forty more years wishing i had done something different just to save five years worth of savings.

On the other hand, even if I completely wipe out five years worth of savings (of course it is inevitable that I also make money along the way - maybe just not as much) but find something that will make me so much happier for the rest of my life, is it not worth it?

Practically thinking, it would take me a long time to wipe out five years of savings, and I would definitely know if I am making progress before it is all gone, giving me time to rethink and once again pick up my current life-style of living to save, so I would never loose *all* of my savings unless i really find what I want to do and it doesn't work. In which case I will at least be happy that I tried.

Oh what to do with my life...

I guess I should follow my rule from when I was young, the rule that led me to take a strange job as a "personal assistant" for two famous dot-com entrepenuers (before they were famous) who were later forced out of their company and the country for molesting young lads (only a little younger than myself (though they never tired anything with me as far as I was able to recognize at 20 years of age, and I quit when I began to feel uncomfortable that they might), the same rule that made me leave my comgy life in the US to come to the great unknown in Japan, and the same rule that allowed me to go to Maine to be a sea-kayak instrcutor after graduation, and later allowed me to quit that and move to Japan again because I felt there was something *real* about Tomoe (who I had dated for a few months before going to Maine but neither of us expected it to be longer than that)

"When faced with a fork in the road, always take the one that scares you the most."

I can't believe I was smart enough, when I was so young, to make that rule (I don't remember hearing it anywhere so I assume it was my own). But then, maybe only someone as young as I was could be free enough to make such as rule....