Pissing

Have you ever awoke in the morning, looked at your life, and wondered how it got so off-track so quickly?

Just a month or so ago I was so close to living my goal of only working 30 or fewer hours per week, and then something, I don't know what, but something happened, and for the past three weeks I have been working morning to night with only an hour or two break to have dinner with Tomoe (all the while thinking about the deadlines I am potentially missing).

I loooooooovvvvvvveeeee sleep now, because it is the only time I am not anxious about my impossible To-Do list - and this is not a personal "life" To-Do list, it is a "contracted" To-Do list... more of a "Have-To-Do-Or-Else-You-Will-Never-Work-In-This-Town-Again-List".

And just when it seems that I knock one thing off, something else pops up, and I am right back where I started.

But for now, even if I feel like a wave is about to crash over me, I am somehow ahead of it. Just by a nose. So much so that I found time to go order new glasses today to replace the scratched-up lenses that make my vision almost worse than without glasses at all.

On the way I stopped into the sporting goods store to check on the price of new tent-poles (which idiot me left on the train when Tomoe and I were on our way back from Kyushu a few months ago). It's pretty pissing to think about spending $150 just to use the tent (the best tent I have ever seen in the WORLD! -it goes up in exactly 30 seconds IN THE DARK!) I already own, but there are only a few weeks until a five-day holiday, and we need that tent for our next bike trip.

Another thing that is pissing, ("pissing" is a word Tomoe invented meaning "Something that makes one pissed off; Something irritating") is that three months ago I spent $50 (and made the trek to the embassy) to have a certified notary sign some papers so Tomoe and I can get married, and the three-month expiration date on those papers is almost up. We haven't gotten around to getting married, so that was $50 down the drain.

I want to spend more time learning to draw, learning to photograph, learning to design (please ignore the design and photos of my own site-that's why I have to LEARN!!!). Yet, somehow I find myself agreeing to work I don't need because I feel as though I am somehow irresponsible if I don't do it, or that it will give me a "connection" for the future. How can I teach myself that a connection is no-good unless I have had the time to build the skills to use the connection as I really want to?