This I Believe... for now

I have been a big fan of NPR's This I Believe for a few months now, often making note when I heard a particular essay that I felt an urge to comment on, but never following through. A few days ago Diane Rehm and Jay Allison, the host of This I believe, chatted about what it meant and why it was so great and I felt an urge to comment about it again. This time at least I have followed through enough to leave a link. It made me realize, however, that I never mentioned any of the essays I enjoyed because I was reluctant to write about my own beliefs. It reminded me of how stale my posts have become.

My reluctance stems from the difficulty I have "believing" in things absolutely. I prefer instead to "try on" a belief and see how it feels, I realize that somehow I have stopped even writing about the beliefs that I am "trying on" for fear that offering too many changing beliefs will undermine any crumb of credibility I may have. This is the same reason I have not mentioned what my latest incomplete project is. I just don't have stick-with-it-ness. I have yet to stick with any of my "hey this sounds great!" ideas, just like I have yet to stick with most of the beliefs that I have tried on.

Thinking about this though made me wonder if "sticking with it" is a good thing. It actually led me to discover one belief that I do have, and have stuck with.

I believe that we all need beliefs to guide us, but a belief held so dearly that it is unchallengeable and unchangeable is a very dangerous thing. Everyone should question, and be willing to change any one of their beliefs at any time - without remorse or embarrassment - when exposed to new experiences, information, and points of view. Yet, somehow, I still feel embarrassed or reluctant to admit when I abandon some belief I may have tried on and proclaimed loudly.

What if I apply that same belief in the need to be flexible with believing to my tendency to get excited about a certain project only to have it drop from my radar a week, a month, or a year later? Why should I feel bad or guilty or looser-ish when I realize that what I thought would be good is not what I am looking for? Why should anyone keep doing something they no-longer feel passionately about just because they declared their intentions to the world? I guess it would sound something like this:

I believe that we all need goals to guide us, but a goal held so dearly that it is unchangeable can be very dangerous in our life. Everyone should re-evaluate and be willing to change the direction they are headed at any time - without remorse or embarrassment - when exposed to new experiences, interests, information, and points of view. Yet, somehow, I still feel embarrassed or reluctant to admit when I abandon some goal I may have "tried on" and proclaimed loudly.

Obviously our desire to keep up the appearance of a responsible person who knows what they want can be harmful to our really finding what we want. I have been trying on a new "goal" and "purpose" almost monthly for the past three years, over which time I have gradually grown more and more self-conscious and apologetic about it. I have reached a point where I am no longer comfortable admitting that the big dream I tried on last year no longer fits - and that I am far from certain that my current big dream fits any better. I still believe in it, and it feels more "right" than many in the past, yet I continue to hide it from the world because along with this new-found "fit" come endless possibilities I had not considered. While related, they still temp, threatening to once again make me a liar and untrustworthy vagrant with no follow-through trespassing in a responsible society should I disclose them.

I don't remember where I heard it, but there is an Chinese saying - "Be careful of where you walk, or you might end up where you are headed."

Bahhh..... maybe I just have long-term attention deficit disorder.