That Cringing Feeling

Do you know that feeling you get when you have a memory or (non-drug related) flashback that causes you to cringe? You know - a stupid comment at a job interview or a maybe something you wrote on your blog three years ago that no longer reflects your views and you think "How was I so stupid?"

I'm guessing that this a genetically programmed reaction that helps us to avoid repeating stupid mistakes. For example, several years ago I was cruising down a hill on my bike on the side-walk as it was getting dark. I didn't have my light on yet, and I wasn't wearing a helmet. Suddenly, as I passed by a parked van that was sticking out into the sidewalk, I realized that it's hatchback was open - and at eye level. I was going fast enough that had I been about one foot further to left my head would have been completely crushed on impact. I was going too fast to have stopped (since i didn't even notice it until I was right next to it) and fast enough that it would have left my skull a shattered mess.

To this day, as I ride down hills I have flash-backs and shivers in my spine thinking about how close I was to death. It certainly keeps me much more alert.

There are, of course, less critical examples as well - such as thinking about a stupid remark I may have made at a party, or an email I sent without thinking it through. These always cause me to hum a random tune aloud in the hopes that I can drown out the memory and that "cringing" feeling.

Now I have a new cringe moment - every time I look at my camera. A few days ago I dropped the hip-pack I carry my camera in. With my headphones on I can't say I am sure that I heard any sound, but I certainly imagined it. Everything was in slow motion... here was nothing I could do. I picked up the bag to check he camera and was horrified to find that my lens cap was jammed and difficult to remove. The more pressure I applied, the more grinding noises I heard. It was the sound of gritty glass particles being moved against their will.

This is an expensive lens and I am not prepared to buy any new lens - even a cheap one. I have other plans for my slowly shrinking savings. I was about to cry.

Upon close inspection it turned out that the broken glass was from the filter (still about $40!). The actual lens came out unscathed and the camera still works as good as new. But I am broken now. Every time I look at that camera my heart rate shoots through the roof and I begin to sing aloud - trying to drown out the memory of when I was stupid enough to drop it... It really changes the feeling of taking the camera out for a walk.

(And to anyone who lent me an attachable flash recently - don't worry, the flash was safe in a drawer at home!)