From reading my blog and looking at the photos one may get the impression that life here is all happy and cheery - that we are living in a state of bliss, every day a new and wondrous happening.

Not so. In fact, I have gained a bit of weight since getting here (I am not allowed to mention if Tomoe has or not). While it is true that every day has its amazing moments, I also can not remember feeling so much stress.

Part of this is about finances of course. We are on our own here, responsible to creating our own work. Even if we want to go back to the stress-free (at least that's how it seems now) life of an employee, there is not an employer to be found in the village. No, whatever happens, we have to make it happen ourselves. We are fine for a little while, but just getting out of Tokyo was a drain on my bank account, causing much more anxiety than I know it should.

Part of the stress is just having an enormous to-do list. This is nothing new - I have always had too many things to do and too little time, but the difference now is that almost everything on the to-do list is something new for us. Whether it is trying to plan an event in a town we only just moved to eight months ago, or trying to grow rice shoots in a non-conventional way, and having all the neighbors (with full support) tell us "It's not going to grow".

We don't know what to plant where or when. Our neighbors have started planting sprouts that they made in their greenhouse, but have no greenhouse, and we are starting from seeds. Our neighbors use plastic black sheets, while we are using grass, straw, leaves, and other mulch gathered from the mountains. Our neighbors use chemical fertilizers while we are planning to use Tomoe's home-grown organic version. We have no one to look at and learn from in these respects, yet we find ourselves looking around and judging our success based on the size of our beans compared to Shimada's

All this anxiety and stress and just plain not knowing what to do is creating a fierce feedback loop. We wake up filled with doubts and it makes us want to stay in bed. We stay in bed and miss our chance for a morning jog. Knowing that we need more exercise, but were too lazy to do it leads to more anxiety about not "getting done what we want to get done". More anxiety causes us to panic, narrowing our view and decreasing our creativeness. A lack of creativeness magnifies all the problems we are facing for the first time with no answers. Not being able to find an answer decreases our confidence and causes us to procrastinate or "research more". Procrastination means we get little done and we go to bed feeling like losers, and then it starts all over again.

We talked a lot today about how to break out of this. We have decided on two courses of action for tomorrow. 1) We will make sure to get up at 5am for a jog or power-walk into the mountains. Not only will the exercise do wonders, but it will allow me to cross one thing off my to-do list and start the day on a good note. 2) We will take a pile of garbage to the local dump. Something so simple, yet that pile has been sitting there for months as we always felt it would be more productive to work on OneLife, or farming, or something more immediate. The hope is that by picking such an easy task, and one that causes me anxiety every time I see the pile still sitting there, we can knock one more thing off of our to-do list, and there is little anxiety about failure, because we KNOW how to drive to the dump, and the result is immediate.

I'm also going back to the "positivity journal" I used to keep - where I take time each day to write down three good things that happened that day, tracking my negative thoughts and anxieties and consciously asking myself if the outcome of failure would really be as bad as all that, and finally, trying to force myself to take a few moments to imagine the life that I want.

This all helped me get out of Tokyo. The problem I think, is that I somewhat looked at simply getting out here to a place we love as "success", "the end" - and somehow forgot that I still have 60 more years left to live.

Posted by bastish at 08:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Stress levels are running high recently as some important deadlines draw near. We have planted about 1/3 of our fields, having spent a lot of time just getting them ready to use. Some of them were abandoned and overcome with weeds, others were tended by our elderly neighbor who was not able to remove all the big rocks which took us a few days to dig out.

We have so much to do, and so little time. Everything here changes so quickly. I had hoped to get photos to "document" the year, but if I miss even one day, the scenery has changed. I completely missed any photo-op with the cherry blossoms, and the budding of the leaves - when everything is a different shade of green - jumped up on me and is now finished.

We have finally been getting the hang of waking up early, taking morning jogs or walks at 6am (although the sun comes up at 4:30). Along the way we pick bag-fulls of fresh wild vegetables growing on the mountain sides. It is addictive. We know we have other work to do, and it is getting late, but we just cant stop picking as long as there are any in sight - and there always are.

Add to that the fact that every turn in the road is so beautiful that I end up taking photo after photo, and you can understand why ours is the only rice-paddy in the village that is not ready to be planted and the neighbors are all talking.

Posted by bastish at 12:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a good feeling that you may be enjoying many more posts here, and that people who email me may enjoy more timely replies.

Using the computer is FUN again! I finally broke down, and against my better eco (and budgetary) judgment, I bought a new, bottom of the line Dell PC laptop. (Mac rant follows. Note: I am not a windows lover, or a mac hater. I am just interested in having my needs met.) I had just grown so sick of the slow response of my iBook. When I first bought it, other mac lovers said "don't worry, you'll get used to the slowness. And other things make up for it." Well, I never got used to it, and the only thing that used to make up for it was having a Unix environment for my programming jobs. Well, I don't program anymore. Now I just want a computer that is easy to type in - one where the letters show up at the same time as I type it. As I try to spend less time at the computer, and more time in the field, I want a computer that can copy and paste in less than 5 seconds. Using Tomoe's computer sometimes only made me more discontent with my own.

I still have to use the iBook for Photoshop, but it is a relief not to have to close it every time I want to write an email in Gmail, which has always run like a snail compared to what Outlook used to be like when I worked in an office.

I don't have Outlook this time, as decline to purchase MS Office, opting for open-office (can't wait to see how it works). To keep it within my non-existent budget I got the bare minimum. It set me back 70,000 yen (how much is that new mac again?), but I figure that my slow replies to potential customers (because I hate using the iBook) cost me much more than that, and my inability to keep up the blog and OneLife website (because I hate using the iBook) has cost even more. It would have taken me twice as long to write this with BBEdit, and now I have my lover once again - UltraEdit.

On top of all of this, there is also the practicality of having a lap-top that actually works like a lap-top. No more external monitor or keyboard to lug downstairs (full disclosure - the most recent external-keyboard I was using crapped out because I spilled water on it). This new computer also has wireless - something I declined when purchasing my iBook because it was already way to expensive. As expected, I never really needed wireless until just about 3 months ago - but by then the iBook monitor had long-since crapped out and wireless would do me no good anyway because my computer has not been portable since 2005.

Anyway, the point is, expect more (and wordier) posts from now on.

Posted by bastish at 09:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The cherry blossoms have come and are almost gone. One interesting thing I have noticed is that people here don't pay much attention to the blossoms. I never saw anyone sitting under a tree drinking. Maybe this is because this is the time when EVERYTHING happens. It is not just the cherry trees, or the mizubasho, but also all the wild spring vegetables, and the new leaves on the trees. The snow is melting and the river is running high. The fish are out and its time for bear hunting. The fields need tilling, there is plenty of cow manure to be spread and some planting has begun. There are ditches to be cleared and gas to be bought (the price goes up 30 yen per liter tomorrow).

Who has time for cherry blossoms when there is so much spring happening?

Posted by bastish at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In an effort not to be out-done by my sister's recent announcement, Tomoe and I went out and adopted an orphan from China yesterday. Needles to say, it had been a busy night. We are leaving her with the neighbors for a few days while we go on our first three-day hiking trip of the season tomorrow.

Posted by bastish at 08:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I had intended to move on and write about some of the things that happened today, but re-reading my post about my cousin's visit, I started thinking about grandma again. While Craig (the cousin) was here, he made the remark that she was "very loved". That is an understatement. I wish I had a photo of her I could scan and post. I am sure that is why I love talking to and taking photos of the old Japanese ladies of the village. Tomoe says I must have an old-lady fetish, but I know it is just because I loved grandma so much and they remind me of something I miss and don't want to forget. One of the things that makes me cringe in regret is that I was so far away for the years before she died, and that I had been so delinquent in writing to her. I had letters piled up in my drawer that I never sent. I had been planning a short video walk-through of my life in Japan that I never got around to.

I know she knew how much I loved her. I know she was happy that I was living the life I wanted to. Still, I wish I would have shared more with her, expressed more to her.

I remember the feeling of her hands on my cheeks as I tried to wriggle away in embarrassment. What a stupid reason. What a wonderful memory.

I have never wanted to just hug someone more than I want to hug her now.

Posted by bastish at 08:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Now we know why Craig hates cats.

Yes, it's been quite a while since posting. In the mean time, the vice-mayor won the election to became the new mayor. My cousin was here to witness the historic occasion and hear the announcement over the village-wide intercom.

In addition to local politics, he also witnessed us getting ready for our first year of farming. He witnessed us buying a wheelbarrow, some gloves and hoes, and even Tomoe trying on some very stylish old-lady gardening caps. In the end, I think she decided to get the old fashioned umbrella hat, like the one our neighbor is wearing in the photo below.

Craig was a hit with the ladies

As always, I am stressing out about too much to do, and as always, getting nothing done. We have such big plans for the farming, the chicken keeping, and also One Life projects, not to mention tours already booked and reporters coming. While Craig (mycousin, and incidentally, the name of our new fish) was here helping us to dig out rocks from an unused patch of land in our yard, Saito-san, from the village office, stopped by with a group of reporters from a large Nagoya newspaper. We had known about it, but completely forgotten. They were happy to get some candid shots of us in our real life.

Craig patiently waits while Tomoe picks the night's dinner from along the road-side, and not even one complaint as we put him to work "burning stuff" in the yard.

I feel a bit bad that we did not give Craig the type of service that we give customers, show him all the great little places in the village, but I am happy that he got to see our real life in all its glory (or lack there-of). He is about 7? years older than me. When we were young we used to play together at grandma's house (or so he tells me), and I remember regular trips to their home a few hours away. The trips I remember, though, were when he was a bit older and often hanging out with his school friends elsewhere. I do remember lots of ping-pong, some b-ball in their front yard, and as I write about it, the very distinct (in a good way) smell of their house. As we got older, we apparently saw each other less, only major holidays. I remember lots of board-games and some card-games - one of my favorite parts of those holiday visits. I remember staying in his room (or was it Andy's - at the end of the hall past the kitchen and bathroom)? I remember spending a lot of time playing a game on theirCommodore 64 in the basement (alone). Though I forget the name of the game, I clearly remember the line "Stay a while. Stay FOREVER..." and the sound of my guys feet as he runs down a metal corridor.

While Craig was here, helping us out, the hoe he was using (Tomoe's brand-new hoe, which she had yet to try out) got mangled on some rocks. She freaked out a bit, but Craig fixed the hoe. This, however, reminded me of the time we threw darts at a wall-sized mural of deer in a forest in his dad's basement - one of my worst memories from their house, as it is the only one I can think of when his dad got mad at us.

We had a great ride in the morning, but Craig expresses his disappointment when I decide to turn back after climbing a big hill. Looking at the clock, I realized that to push on would have us getting home tired and late, maybe even missing the hot bath. My over-ambitiousness is one of the reasons Tomoe often declines to follow me when I say "It'll be fun!" I didn't want to make the same mistake with Craig.

Seeing him also gave me a great chance to remember grandma. Though we did not talk a whole lot about her, she came up and remembering her gave me the best feeling I had all week.

Craig, the water-systems engineer, shows us how to (try to) put together two pipes.

Of course, all these memories are made a bit more valuable by the fact that I have gotten a chance to get to re-know Craig a bit more, and he us. It was great to hear about his family, and his job and just how he spends his days. I am a rather shy guy, and even with family, large groups shut me up. This is the first time to have so much time one-on-one with him. Though I was still nervous (I used to be tremendously nervous about meeting Craig and hisbother Andy - they were always so much cooler than we were), I was more nervous this time about making his detour (he was in Japan on business) worth his money, effort and time away from his daughter.

Helping to create fertilize from Tomoe's secret recipe required gathering clean water and lots of mixing.

While I wish I could have shown him more, we still got in some good bike-rides, lots of hot-baths, some working in the field,fertilizer-making (photos above), lots of Tomoe's home-cooking (while I had a desire to show him "traditional" Japanese food at the restaurants, we also wanted to give him a taste of our life, so opted for eating at home). He was here on three of the most beautiful days this year - completely clear skies, the cherry blossomsliterally came into bloom as he was here, and the light-green leaves are starting to bud. Every day was different, and even today we can see anoticeable change over yesterday. I would have liked to let him try some high-class sake, but was happy that he enjoyed drinking cheap potato booze ( shochu) with me.

As a memorial to his stay here, we have named our new fish Craig. We have been keeping a rescued gold-fish (Lil - named after Lil, whose photos I was looking at when we decided to name her), in a bottle all winter, waiting for the weather to warm and to release her into the pond. We released her when Craig was here, checking her regularly, once finding her struggling for her life as the current pressed her against a grate covering the pond out-flow. With Craig's (the cousin, not the fish) help, we fixed that problem, drank lots of potato booze, and went to bed. The next morning I went to check on Lil but could not find her. Craig (a pond-fish expert) did a search as well and caught something I had totally missed - a small trout or iwanalurking in the shadows. We had no idea he was there, nor when/how he arrived. He must have been washed down from someoneelse's pond (if it is trout), or directly from the river (if iwana), and somehow, miraculously, made its way through the narrow tube into our pond. He is big enough to have eaten Lil, so that is what we assume happened. Sorry Lil. Welcome Craig! At least Lil's last day wasrelatively free, compared to the 4-liter bottle we had been keeping her in.

In the backyard. Craig (the fish) is in that pond somewhere.

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