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recent
Listening to Talk of the Nation today, I had a few of them deep thought thingies. The program was about how to be alone. The guest was Jonathan Franzen. I was struck by two things.
First, I ordered Jonathan Franzen's book. For some reason I thought I would like it... although I don't really have any idea what the book is about, I liked the author. I will probably like the book as well simply because I am intrigued by the author... much like with David Sedaris. I find that I am much more interested in him than his writing (although his writing is about him). As far as I can figure, the thing that both these authors seem to have in common is an enormous lack of confidence. It would only be natural then that I am drawn to them, two obviously extremely talented people who don't see themselves that way always.
I don't want to destroy your image of me as a hero for all mankind, but I too lack confidence in many areas. Sure, when I think about it logically, I have mounds of confidence. I'm pretty awesome at what I do considering my experience level... and if I was at it as long as many people who are now "better" than me, I would kick their a**. Unfortunately, (as much as Tomoe would probably disagree) it is impossible for me to squelch my non-logical, emotional self. As a result, I am filled with irrational self-doubt daily. And, even though I everyone feels like this (if your not, you're the most extraordinary person reading this site), it is a great comfort for me to see such obviously WOW people with doubts.
On a side note, recently I had been feeling even more inadequate as a project I have been working on has been going amazingly slowly... but when I stepped back and took a look yesterday, I saw the most kick-arse program I have ever made, and one of the best browser-based applications I have ever seen. Sure the programming could be a lot cleaner, and I'm sure someone who has been at it longer could look at it and point out all the places where it could be more efficient, but in the end, it just has to work, and the concept... the "artistic" portion if you will, is beyond many of the more experienced programmers. I just hope it sells.
The second thing I thought about listening to the show, was a result of a comment from one of the callers. He said that as a result of him spending a lot of time alone, he is a much better BS detector. He says he is not so easily impressed by other people. For me this is connected with the confidence thing. I often hear people bragging about how great they are, and people talking about things that I don't know enough to dispute, but 99% of the time I see it as a load of crap. I find it very difficult to be impressed with anyone. I don't think this is so much a result of me preferring to spend most of my time at home alone (or with a very close friend), as it is a result of my own extremely harsh self-criticism.
Often I see people bragging about things that I myself have accomplished, or at least experienced to a high-enough degree to know that there is nothing especially difficult about it. Heck, if I can do it, why should I think anyone else is great for doing it too. If it is something that I have no connection with, I often imagine what it would take for me to accomplish the same if I wanted to. In most cases, all it would require is the interest and the time. No big deal. Some people of course point to the fact that it takes sacrifice and dedication etc... Maybe I don't have that... but I sure as heck don't admire anyone for punishing themselves all for the sake of their ego. People sacrificing for someone else, such as a single mother working, schooling, and raising a kid do impress me, but I rarely see them bragging.
I know I would be better off if I could see myself in magnified glory as most "successful" people do... I would have more confidence in an interview, be able to get higher salary, etc... but dang! I just haven't been able to do it yet.
It is no wonder that I have never had a hero. I remember once in grade-school I was supposed to write a report about my hero. When I said I didn't have one, and actually made a compelling reason was to why not (for a nine-year-old) my teacher told me I had to find one. Naturally I picked Jesus, but she told me I couldn't use him, so I settled on Abraham Lincoln. The reason I gave was that if it wasn't for him there would still be slaves. In my defense, I didn't really believe that (nor though, did I know it was wrong) I just pulled it out of my a** because the teacher wouldn't accept the truth, that I have never known anyone that is so impressive in every aspect of their life that I would consider them a hero. Some people are great at things I suck at, and I am impressed, but they suck at things I can do, or have other dis functions, so they loose all points.
It will sound like a cheezy pile of squish, but the most impressive person I know is Tomoe, which is obviously what draws me to her the most. Sure there are many things I am much much much much much much better at than she, and many many many many cases where I am right and she is wrong (though still probably the minority), but in these cases too she impresses me by doing what most people find so difficult to and considers the opposite view an adjusts her own. Although I wouldn't call her my hero, she is one of the few people I try to emulate, and by far the biggest influence on my life in the last four years(*please see below for more on this). I do agree with and aspire to live and work in a way that fits some other peoples ideas, and admire them for publishing and (maybe) living by those ideas. For example, recently I have been reading about Ben Franklin, (who, because of history, I give the benefit of a doubt). I will, however, never know -enough about him to consider him a hero
*What's this last four years crap? As it turns out, it is just about four years since I started seeing Tomoe. In fact, although I had met her in class before that fateful Thanksgiving four years ago, it was then that I actually started to get to know her. I had told another Japanese friend of mine that any foreign students she knew who didn't have anyplace to go for the Thanksgiving holiday (and thus would spend it locked in their dorm room on an empty campus) were welcome to come to my house. Tomoe accepted, and as it turned out, no one else did. Truth be told, I had been "intrigued" by her a couple times before then, so when I found out that she was coming, and no one else was, I was not at all upset. So, that's the abridged story.... and now she has wasted four years of her life with me.
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