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It must be that time again... or maybe I just have too much time to think today, but compared to last week I seem to be spiraling down down down into one of my regular depressions. Again it is for the same reason, namely that I don't recognize the change that is happening in my life, and therefore feel as though I am simply standing still.

I was checking out Art / Illustration programs in US schools, and although I can definitely afford it, there is that big voice in the front of my head saying, "You will never be able to succeed! Don't do it! Resign yourself to playing with the web because you already have a good start in that field!". Makes sense? Not if I think it about it calmly and cooly. After all, three years ago if I had thought "I want to be a web-developer" I would have seen no way to make it happen, and it would have seemed even more impossible since I could barely use a browser. Of course three years ago I was three years younger.

I saw a documentary last night about an art contest in Japan, and they profiled the lives of some of the winners of the contest. All of them were making a living off of something art related, and two of them didn't even start painting until they were in their 30's. They weren't rich, but I don't worry about that. I do however worry about not making any money.

One of them was a carpenter, and was afraid of the same thing before he decided to paint full time (after many years of practice of course), and in that sense I should feel in a better position because even if I couldn't get work as an illustrator, I always have the web to fall back on, and there is such a grand field as web-design.

Looks like not much of a dilemma, and it's not really, but I want to start moving toward it NOW. Sure I paint every day and might be getting better, but I want to go faster. I am looking for art schools in Japan, that I could go to part time, but then there is the matter of that pesky little Japanese test. I unofficially (in the privacy of my own home) passed an adequate level a few years ago, but having been concentrating on web-crap for the past 2 1/2 years, I am afraid to find out how much i have forgotten. I know it's a lot. This means a year of studying Japanese in my free time instead of practicing the painting, in the hopes of passing that test which allow me to take the classes. Assuming I can get the application in for that year, I wont even be able to start moving forward for another year. Miss that deadline and it's 2.

Of course there are other ways to learn to paint and illustrate, such as self study, but I tried that with programming and web-related stuff. It's easier to study this on your own I think, because of the wealth of information on the web itself, but the going is incredibly slow without anyone to show you where you are screwing up and what you could be doing differently. Sometimes a challenge is good. Sometimes a challenge just wastes time.

To make things worse, I spent several hours tonight working on a practice painting for the exhibition next month, and, although I expect don't expect it to be perfect, it looks too much like crap.

On a lighter note, Awii jumped under the shower by herslef today. Usually she comes in an sits on my head while I shower, and if I put her on my hand I can sometimes convince her to go directly under the shower head. Once under there she seems to like it, but has never expresed a visible desire to go under there. Today though, she flew in, landed on my shoulder and ran right under there.

What exactly do you want to gain from being an artist?
It seems that you're already drawing and painting *a lot*.
Do you want to become rich and famous, or just be better at it? I mean, 'better' is such a subjective thing, anyway.
Your work that I've seen on this site is honest and interesting. There's no affectation or pompousness. I'd say, just keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about it.
If it's technique that you're after, go study that.
If you're looking to put direction and meaning into your life, I'd say go study Accounting or Law or something more mundane. Those things are way more quantifiable in terms of your being a success.
For now, write, paint, draw, discover, look, remember, consider, think... Art in any form is basically about letting people come to know your own peculiar perspective on the world by what you put in front of them somehow.
Cheers,
Jim

Of course I don't mind to be rich(but not famous) but I don't care if I am or not. That is not what I want out of being an "artist".
What I want is to do something that I care about more than this web stuff, which is interesting and mentally stimulating, but to tell the truth, I could reallty give a rat's butt because it has no personal satisfaction of meaning for me.

I know I should just keep doing what I'm doing and not worry about it, but knowing and doing are two different things. And it's almost impossible to keep those thoughts I know are illogical from creeping in. And the most illogical thought is the thought of wanting it NOW.

If you're looking to put direction and meaning into your life, I'd say go study Accounting or Law or something more mundane

That would be great if I cared. LIke web-stuff they are also interesting, and great brain candy, but in the end it will leave me unsatisfied.

I can't say I'm looking for something that will change the world, because me sitting in front of a drafting table, illustrating an ad to sell people crap that they don't need, and destorys the environment surely won't do that in a positive way anynmore than me making a web-site to sell people crap that they don't need, and destorys the environment. Doing something I enjoy, such as illustration, may not change the world for the better, but it will change my world.

I'm not even looking at it as "art" in fact, I'm looking at it as utilizing a skill (or potential) skill that I enjoy to utilize and hopefully make enough money to eat. In my paintings, more than trying to make an artistic statement, or express myself, I am trying to overcome the challenge of learning to use the tools and techniques.

I say go for the fame. You should strive to be the most famous artist in the world. I really don't care if you like to paint or not. I just know that if you become a famous artist, maybe I can auction off some of your earlier work for enough money to allow me to retire and devote my time to things I really enjoy. So, forget about yourself for a while and do it for me.

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